


is this what it’s like? (to deal with the pain)

by packrat



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Rosa Diaz’ past, backstory to s7e5: debbie, mention of getting kicked out, mention of homelessness, mention of rosas parents, mention of the squad, rosas past, s7e5: debbie, sleuth sisters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22940842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/packrat/pseuds/packrat
Summary: “And when I got out four months later, nobody came to pick me up,” her voice breaks. “There was nobody there and I had to take three different busses home only to be screamed at and find out that they already decided to kick me out.”orAmy shows up at Rosa’s unexpectedly after work. They eventually get talking about Rosa’s past.
Relationships: Rosa Diaz & Amy Santiago
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	is this what it’s like? (to deal with the pain)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to @exploding-snapple and @darkrosemind for reading it over!

Rosa expected to just go home after the day she’s had. To go home, drink and go to bed, forget about everything that the day brought up within her. To sleep and get up the next day and never talk about that day again.

What she didn’t expect was Amy knocking on her door with a bottle of tequila and take-out in her hands. Smiling brightly and enthusiastically.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve done this,” she said before stepping inside. “I thought that maybe you wouldn’t want to be alone right now.”

And, though she’d never admit it out loud, Rosa thinks that maybe Amy is right. Maybe she does not want to be alone with her thoughts right now. Shouldn’t be alone with her thoughts right now.

* * *

“Do you want to talk about it?” Amy asks. They’re a couple drinks in and Rosa knows that it took a lot for Amy to muster up the courage and ask that question. “You don’t have to but talking about it helps. But we can sit in silence and watch the film if that’s what you prefer. Either way, I’m here for you.”

Rosa stares at the TV and contemplates it. Does she want to talk about it? She isn’t sure. She’s not talked about it in an eternity, apart from today. The detective never wanted to talk about it ever again.

Rosa takes a deep breath and when she turns to face Amy she finds that Amy is already looking at her expectantly.

“It’s been a rough time,” she starts. “Ballet school kicked my ass. We trained from 6 AM to 3 PM every day, even on the weekends. And then we also had school. And there was so much pressure to be perfect— to be like the tall, skinny, white girls with blonde hair and perfect posture— that I just snapped eventually. It was just a matter of time. I was never going to be like any of them.

“Or what my parents expected from me. They risked their lives so me and my sisters could have better ones, but they didn’t like what I did with that opportunity. In their eyes all I ever did was throw everything they’ve worked for away, just so that I could pursue my hobby full-time. They were never happy with what I did. No matter _what_ I did.

“So I started breaking into houses because at least I was good at that. I never stole anything. It was just about getting in and out and sometimes I imagined the perfect lives they’d have. Perfect families with no conflict. Far from what I had.

“And then— I wound up in juvie. I don’t really want to talk about that.” Rosa hesitates. “It wasn’t the greatest time of my life. I thought ballet school was hard but this—

“And when I got out four months later, nobody came to pick me up,” her voice breaks. “There was nobody there and I had to take three different busses home only to be screamed at and find out that they already decided to kick me out.”

For the first time since Rosa started talking, Amy moves. Moves in to hug her and hold her tight. Lets her cry in silence. Lets her know that she’s not alone anymore.

And Rosa knows. Knows that she’s not alone anymore even though she feels like it the majority of the time.

Feels like it when she leaves work and sits alone in a random bar or alone at home.

She’s felt like it ever since Jocelyn left her. And Rosa was ready to give up everything for that woman. Was ready to introduce her to her parents. To be introduced to Jocelyn’s parents. Was ready to move in with her in a heartbeat if she asked. But all she did ask was to break it off.

She knows she’s not alone anymore.

She has Amy, who is like a sister to her and comes by after work because she knows that Rosa needs her more than she knows it herself.

She has Jake. Had Jake since the first day of Academy when she realized he’s only looking for friends. And that even though he’s childish, he also is funny and loyal and competitive and now is one of her best friends.

She has Charles. Charles, who was the first one to know that she’s bisexual and who didn’t tell anyone her biggest secret.

She has Holt, who is like a father to her. Holt, who tells her he is proud of her. Of her coming out and all her other achievements and who sits with her in silence, listening to death metal on full volume even though he absolutely hates it.

And she has Gina.

And Terry.

She's not alone.

Amy and Rosa pretend to watch the film.

“How old were you at the time?”, Amy asks after a while.

“Sixteen. Barely.”

Amy nods and then makes sure Rosa looks at her before she continues talking. “I’m sorry that you were all alone at just sixteen. That they kicked you out and disowned you more than once. That you had nobody back then. I’m sorry, Rosa. Because you deserve to be loved.”

Rosa shrugs. Does she though? Does she deserve love?

“I managed. I don’t know how but I managed. I got jobs, pretending I was 18 with a fake ID, and finished high school. Because of juvie I got kicked out of ballet school though. Eventually I was able to rent a place and not live on the streets or in my car anymore. Sometimes I stayed at my boyfriends’ apartments. Sometimes I hid in school or at work.”

“But you said that you got kicked out of ballet school because you beat up a bunch of ballerinas?”

“I beat them up but that’s not the reason I got kicked out. I went to collect my stuff, and they made fun of me. That’s why I got into a fight with them. It doesn’t matter either way,” Rosa shrugs again.

Because either way her parents would have kicked her out, and she would have had to hide her homelessness for at least two years. Would have had to hide that she was living in her car on the school parking lot. Would have been left to fight for herself and prove to everyone and herself that she deserves to live and love and see the bright future ahead of her.

“It matters,” Amy responds.

And she’s right. Rosa knows. It matters.

She matters.

Even if there still is a part of her that isn’t ready to hear it yet.

She put herself through medical school, and business school, and flight school. Put herself through every program she got a scholarship for only to discover that she can’t see herself doing these things for all of her life and quit once again.

Start from zero again.

Until she got to the Academy. When she met Jake, who talked enough for two people and made her feel less alone. Who drank with her but respected her boundaries all the same. Who called her a friend.

And it’s partly because of him that she didn’t quit the police academy training and went on to become a detective at the 99th precinct.

It all matters.

Because yeah, maybe her parents can’t love her for who she is, even though they rekindled their relationship twice. But those people can.

They not only can but they do. They do love her for exactly who she is. Her stone-cold exterior and badass attitude. Her weapons everywhere. Her dark and twisted past.

Her quietness.

And maybe, just maybe, she deserves love after all.


End file.
